…because son… let me tell you something, come here you little sack of shit.

There’s two ways to get ahead in life. One way is hard work. Hard work is what you do when you’re not smart enough or lucky enough to find ways to cut corners.

“But what’s cutting corners?”

Cutting corners means bending the rules. You know how Mommy suddenly got promoted to Vice President of her company? Well, last month… she was just a secretary. Mommy found a way to cut a corner to really impress her boss, and now she’s making more money.

“But I don’t want to work hard, Daddy, I want to cheat!”

Well… you would be just like everyone else in this world. In our lives, it’s very difficult to choose the honorable path and continue to earn everything the hard way.

“Why would you want to earn something the hard way Daddy? And what’s honor?”

I don’t know anymore, kid. I don’t know. Excuse me.

(Father turns, whips out revolver, aims at temple.)

Son, you raise a good point. I wasn’t meant for this world. In life you gotta cheat to get ahead, and I don’t have that kind of moral flexibility. Here. (Takes out a sheet of paper.) Give this to your mother. I’ll see you soon.

(Pulls trigger, BANG!)

Daddy?

In the spirit of cheating - and believe me, we know - here are the “winners” of the second round. Some of you fought honorably, others of you didn’t. Some of you even attempted to out-cheat each other. Here’s how the committee judges the merits.

1.) If you both cheated in a match-up, whoever cheated better wins. (Take that logic, MLB!)

2.) If one of you cheated in a match-up, the other one won.

We know your IP address and trackback links, pal.

So, below… the winners and match-ups for the Sweet 16. Italicized names indicate the final margin was less than 10 votes, bold names indicate an upset.

Concrete Brad Region

1.) Suss vs. 4.) Len Bias Cocaine Surplus

11.) Metschick vs. 2.) Weed Against Speed

Pot Roast & Gravy Region

1.) Gourmet Spud vs. vs. 13.) Kid Canada

3.) Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price vs. 7.) Shea Guavara

Tatumfor3 Region

1.) Brazil Thrill vs. 13.) Matt_T 

11.) I Party With Smoot vs. 15.) PQ Crash

Supermike Region

1.) Ukraine Not Weak vs. 13.) Fiddling While Jim Rome Burns

6.) Tuffy vs. 7.) 289

1.) Ukraine Not Weak vs. 8.) J-No

UNWvJNO

5.) Yostal vs. 13.) Fiddling While Jim Rome Burns

YvFWJRB

14.) Lizabelle vs. 6.) Tuffy

LizabellevTuffy

7.) 289 vs. 2.) Lady Andrea

289vLA

1.) Brazil Thrill vs. 8.) She Blinded Me with Violence

BTvSBMWV

5.) pr0ff3ss0r_j3rkwh3at vs. 13.) Matt_T

JerkwheatvMatt

14.) Chilltown vs. 11.) I Party With Smoot

IPWSvCT

7.) Precious Roy vs. 15.) PQ Crash

PRvPQ

1.) Gourmet Spud vs. 9.) Pete Jayhawk

GSvPJ

5.) Signal to Noise vs. 13.) Kid Canada

S2NvKC

3.) Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price vs. 6.) Sh!tshow

RDvSS

7.) Shea Guavara vs. 2.) Camp Tiger Claw

SGvCTC

Concrete Brad Region

1.) Suss vs. 8.) Tattooed Mess(iah)

Suss v. Tattoo

5.) Get Him a Body Bag, Yeah! vs. 4.) Len Bias Cocaine Surplus

LBCSvGHABBY

3.) Sarcastro vs. 11.) Metschick

SarcastrovMetschick

7.) 44 In A Row vs. 2.) Weed Against Speed

WASv44

We give you the opportunity whittle a field of 64 down to 32, and this is how you repay us? With these selections? We kid, we kid.

First of all, we’ve got to give huge props to the kids who campaigned exceedingly hard for themselves. The speeches, scandalous pictures, bribes, slander, and back-handed promises were hilarious and (to some degree) effective.

Rumors of voting irregularities have surfaced, so those have been investigated, and in one egregious case - adjusted… though it didn’t make a difference in the final result. Now, we need to fire our fraud department.

So, below… the winners and match-ups for the second round. Italicized names indicate the final margin was less than 10 votes, bold names indicate an upset. Watch the bottom half of that Tatumfor3 region, yikes.

Concrete Brad Region

1.) Suss vs. 8.) Tattooed Mess(iah)

5.) Get Him a Body Bag, Yeah! vs. 4.) Len Bias Cocaine Surplus

3.) Sarcastro vs. 11.) Metschick

7.) 44 In A Row vs. 2.) Weed Against Speed

Pot Roast & Gravy Region

1.) Gourmet Spud vs. 9.) Pete Jayhawk

5.) Signal to Noise vs. 13.) Kid Canada

3.) Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price vs. 6.) Sh!tshow

7.) Shea Guavara vs. 2.) Camp Tiger Claw

Tatumfor3 Region

1.) Brazil Thrill vs. 8.) She Blinded Me with Violence

5.) pr0ff3ss0r_j3rkwh3at vs. 13.) Matt_T

14.) Chilltown vs. 11.) I Party With Smoot

7.) Precious Roy vs. 15.) PQ Crash

Supermike Region

1.) Ukraine Not Weak vs. 8.) J-No

5.) Yostal vs. 13.) Fiddling While Jim Rome Burns

14.) Lizabelle vs. 6.) Tuffy

7.) 289 vs. 2.) Lady Andrea

Thanks for coming out and playing, the next round begins Thursday morning. See you then.

Ladies and gentlemen… dearest colleagues, we have made a modification to the original DCBT formula. Much like Coke II, you will find this new formula to be both tasty and welcome. Polls will now close at 5pm on Tuesday. Winners will be announced, and the next round will begin promptly on Wednesday during the AM, with polls closing Friday at 5.

Your schedule for the remainder of the tournament:

1/29/2008, 5pm - End First Round

1/30/2008, 9am - Second Round Begins

2/1/2008, 5pm - End Second Round

2/3/2008, 9am - Regional Semis Begin

2/5/2008, 5pm - End Regional Semis

2/6/2008 - 2/11/2008 (We are on a wild snowboarding expedition)

2/12/2008, 9am - Regional Finals Begin

2/14/2008, 5pm - End Regional Finals

2/15/2008, 9am - Final Four Begins

2/16/2008, 5pm - End Final Four

2/17/2008, 9am - Championship

2/18/2008, 5pm - End Championship

Yes, Dennis Green, then we will crown their ass.

We admit. We’re a little tired now. It’s not like we have anything better to do, though. We might as well get these posts up and running so when they inevitably crash the wordpress server, we’ll be fast asleep and nobody will complain. Huge shout-out to the AS for all the crazy HTML work done to help you guys vote by just clicking on the name. See how easy? Ahhh… so nice.

Remember, it is you - the fan - that makes Deadspin the community that it is. You make it the underground. You make it the revolution. You make it completely unbearable. Did I say unbearable? I meant unbelievable.

Yes I know we confuse pronouns a lot. We’re not perfectionists. Only I am. Let’s get to the match-ups.

Supermike Region

1.) Ukraine Not Weak vs. 16.) Rock You Like an Iracane

Ukraine Not Weak was a little surprised about his No. 1 seed. So were we. When we asked the committee what they were thinking, they mentioned something about the Eastern Bloc and $2 billion and gun smuggling. We find it best not to get involved in foreign affairs. Rock You Like an Iracane has both a great sounding name, and is a play off our own comment guru: Mr. Iracane. Without him, well… more people would be at Deadspin. It’s crowded enough, thanks.

8.) J-No vs. 9.) Mitch Kayak

J-No vs. Mitch Kayak. Both posters have long been respected. Both posters have long paid their dues. Both posters are praying for a first round upset up above.

5.) Yostal vs. 12.) Kataroo_Kangaroo

Well well well… what happens when Class meets Ass? Yostal is one of the most enlightening posters in the field. He’s dangerous in that he is very likable. He is a potential darkhorse. HOWEVA, NO ONE CAN RESIST THE CHEEZY DOODLE GOODNESS THAT IS THE KANGAROO SCANDALOUS PHOTO DROP. QUITE FRANKLY, SHE IS ONE OF THE LOVELIEST LADIES DEADSPIN HAS EVA SEEN!

___________________________________________________

Preview sent by Blackberry Wireless.

4.) Innings Eater vs. 13.) Fiddling While Jim Rome Burns

Innings Eater is a consistent performer capable of delivering some seriously side-splitting stuff. Fiddling While Jim Rome Burns is a Deadspin fixture, serving up high quality comedy since before high quality comedy was cool.

3.) Lingering Bursitis vs. 14.) Lizabelle

Look, to this day, I still do not know what bursitis is. However, it doesn’t sound too fun. And if it’s lingering? Well… maybe you should have a doctor look at that. Lizabelle is the distant cousin of Lizalicious. And by distant cousin, we mean pretty much the same person. Each of these commenters has a cherished history, and whoever advances will do the commentariat proud.

6.) Tuffy vs. 11.) Berto: The Sequel

Berto 2: Electric Boogaloo hasn’t been given much of a shot to succeed at the Ballot Box. But in a world where Sequels are never as good as the original, Berto stands tall. Tuffy simply destroys everything in sight, and should provide a stiff match. Hehe hehe… stiff.

7.) 289 vs. 10.) Civil Negligence

Much of that brilliant artwork you see around the Sports Blogosphere stems from the creative genius of 289. Another Upstate NY hero (gotta rep my homeland) he has since moved on to greener and more lucrative pastures. Much respect. Civil Negligence has perhaps the finest commenting name in the field. His wordsmithing skills don’t slouch, either. A fantastic early-round appetizer.

2.) Lady Andrea vs. 15.) Dr. Michael Mancini

The highest ranked of the Ladies… LA is a legend. She hits up upset-minded Dr. Mike, the only Doctor in the field. With the amount of mental health issues running wild at Deadspin, perhaps a Doctor in the later rounds would be just… uhhh… what the doctor, ummm… ordered? Don’t hate me because I’m unoriginal.

Tatumfor3 Region

1.) Brazil Thrill vs. 16.) Slothrop

The fuck’s a Slothrop? One funny-ass commenter. The fuck’s a Brazil Thrill? It’s not an amusement park ride, a tropical cocktail, a soccer player with one name, OR a bedroom maneuver. Actually, it could be a bedroom maneuver. After all, if a Smokey Tornado qualifies, then I guess we shouldn’t rule anything out at this point.

8.) She Blinded Me with Violence vs. 9.) Chamomiles Davis

This has been one of the most hotly anticipated match-ups of the season. Newcomer She Blinded me with Violence against old school Chamomiles Davis. Will youth be served? Will experience matter? Will Scooby and the gang solve the mystery of the haunted mango tree?

5.) pr0ff3ss0r_j3rkwh3at vs. 12.) SA

Jerkwheat (I’m not typing threes, fuck it) is consistently one of the funniest folks around. SA has a sly sense of humor. Both of these commenters look forward to getting into the ring and knocking each other around. In a classic 5-12 upset watch, can SA be the sleeper?

4.) Big Ten Obsession vs. 13.) Matt_T

BTO loves him some Big Ten. We’ll let that slide. Matt_T is allegedly under-seeded. We’ll let that slide, too. It’s not like we researched these numbers or anything.

3.) White Speed Receiver vs. 14.) Chilltown

Two of the most hilarious commenters in the draw battle it out in the first round. It’s a tough break, but somebody is going to have to go running home sooner rather than later. Of course, they are more than likely already home… so it’s not like the commute will kill them.

6.) Chad Sexington vs. 11.) I Party With Smoot

This is an All-Star battle. This is the main event. This 6-11 is probably going to draw the most votes out of any match-up in the first round. Two of the wildest and most insightful posters with two of the dirtiest minds in all of Deadspin go head to head right off the bat. We’d put it on pay-per-view, but you all would have found the internet channel to pirate this off of anyway. Savages.

7.) Precious Roy vs. 10.) Arkansas Fred

Grandmaster Shake goes up against the man who puts the Kansas back in Arkansas. We actually have two commenters with real names somewhere within their commenting names. This is a dying art. We respect the old school flavor and wish them both the best.

2.) Lamppost vs. 15.) PQ Crash

Lamppost consistently delivers some of the biggest laughs seen on the Interwebs. PQ Crash will have you rolling on the floor in stitches. Volume and bombast will rule the day in this battle.

Finally! Another bogus tournament! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s democracy crashing and burning!

While we can all agree that PRandG set a new standard for general douchebaggery, it’s tough to agree on who will emerge victorious from this bracket. Please click on the name of the commenter for whom you would like to vote. There’s a lot of strong competitors here, and all of them are on their periods. Who will win this war of attrition? Let’s find out as the Nedessy continues…

By the way, the man who made this voting possible is in this region, we won’t mention any names… but he’s seeded 11th. Just something to consider.

Pot Roast & Gravy Region

1.) Gourmet Spud vs. 16.) Phony Gwynn

Gourmet Spud is a fan favorite. Phony Gwynn is a singles hitter. Will Mr. Potato Head be french-fried? (Groans, Flying Tomatoes) It’s in your hands, voters.

8.) The Starter Wife vs. 9.) Pete Jayhawk

Another battle of deadspinners who have been around for ages. The Starter Wife can cook you under the table. Pete Jayhawk can drink you under the table. Once they get you under the table, lord only knows what they’ll do.

5.) Signal to Noise vs. 12.) Hustler of Culture

S2N is famous for his Awful Announcing live blogs. Many of these are of these entertaining variety. Hustler of Culture has bedded 19,000 women. One of these statements is true.

4.) Not the Quarterback vs. 13.) Kid Canada

Not the Quarterback is hoping to lead his team to victory in a tough draw. A true champion of the game, he has been honing his commenting craft to perfection for years. Kid Canada is one of several representatives in this tourney representing the Great White North. Canada has secretly been planning world domination, by harboring 90% of the Northern Hemisphere’s ice. When those ice caps melt, they’ll have 90% of the world’s water. Vote against Canada at your own peril. (U-S-A! U-S-A!)

3.) Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price vs. 14.) Chief Wahoo

Reasonable Doubt was one of the all-time great hip-hop albums. Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price? That’s a sale you just can’t pass up. Chief Wahoo has stated he wants to fight a dirty campaign, and if anybody knows dirty - it’s someone from Cleveland. (ed note: We hail from Buffalo, so… pot, meet kettle.)

6.) Sh!tshow vs. 11.) Athletic Supporter

Sh!tshow is vulgar. This much we know. But vulgarity can win you acclaim - just ask George Carlin. Athletic Supporter has recently been fined by the NCAA for supporting women’s athletics a little too much. We’ll let you decide if that should affect the outcome.

7.) Shea Guavara vs. 10.) Alfino

Shea Guavara is a commenting revolutionary. Hailing deep from the coffee bean fields of Columbia, he has harnessed enough drug money to hitch a ride to the states (shoulda stayed there, it sucks up here.) Alfino has ties to Western New York. Will you hold that against him? I wouldn’t blame you if you did.

2.) Camp Tiger Claw vs. 15.) Candygram

There was a rumor floating around Spinville that CTC was going to be thrown into a well, or under a bus, or off a roof. We cannot confirm this. We do know he is one mega-formidable 2-seed. Candygram is a bubbly personality and a notoriously sarcastic smart-ass. This is going to be closer than you think. Is Candygram this tournament’s Santa Clara?